LADIES NIGHT EXCERPT
Lady 1: I totally saw scrotum in yoga class.
Lady 2: What do you mean, you saw it?
Lady 1: Like, it was right there, like hanging out.
Lady 3: Couldn’t you just look away?
Lady 1: Well we were doing this swan-dive thingy where you bend over (bends gracefully at waist with arms extended behind her), so your face is right at someone’s butt. And his scroat was, like, right there. Huge ball sack.
Lady 2: Hanging out of his shorts or something?
Lady 1: Yeah.
Lady 4: Yuck.
Lady 1: Yeah. I was traumatized.
SELF PROMOTION AND THE MATING DANCE
I passed a girl with a license plate that read “JBRATTY.” It was in a Princess plate frame, and she also had one of those sparkly pink stickers on the bumper that said, 100% Fine. Oddly, there are guys who look at these glittery warning flags and think, Ha-HA! Brataay. I like em with a little spunk. I know because I’ve met them. They’re the same guys who approach me at a bar, call me sassy when I say something less stupid than they expect, then shift uncomfortably from foot to foot when I blink at them.
LADIES NIGHT EXCERPT
Lady 1: To be honest, it wasnï¿½t that I didnï¿½t find him attractive. I just didn’t think he was the type of guy who’d be attracted to me.
Lady 2: Why?
Lady 1: Well, I didn’t think he was into black girls.
Lady 3: Ah.
Lady 1: No I mean… How can I put this?
Lady 4: You don’t have to be too PC.
Lady 1: No, it’s just that Certain types of white guys are attracted to certain types of black girls. Like, there’s the guy who’s attracted to the petite, Halle Barry type of black girl
Lady 2: The white black girl.
Lady 1: Exactly. And then there’s the guys who’s attracted to the darker black girls because it’s more of a I don’t know. And then there’s the guys who just aren’t attracted to black girls. I sort of assumed he was one of those.
Lady 2: Why?
Lady 1: He just didn’t look like the type.
Lady 2: What, was he a rocker or something?
Lady 1: Actually, he looks a lot like Billy Idol.
Lady 5: Like all snarly?
Lady 6: He has a beautiful set of teeth. Perfect teeth.
Lady 1: I should have brought pictures.
Lady 6: You should’ve.
Lady 5: Is he all tatted up?
Lady 1: He has some tattoos
Lady 1: We hung out together, and I stayed over, and we spent Sunday morning watching football.
Lady 2: That’s commitment.
Lady 1: Yeah, you could tell I really liked him because I was doing the girly thing, like, Now, first in ten What does that mean again?
Lady 2: Awesome.
1.24.02 DEADLINE PRESSURE
I used to work with Kate, and I miss her. Kate loved vendor gifts. She had a favorite pen that lit up when you clicked it, a straw cowboy hat sent with some promo materials, and a red bandana with a big startup logo in the middle. One day as I passed her cube, I glanced in. She was wearing the cowboy hat and had tied the bandana around her face. Her eyes widened when she saw me. What are you doing? I asked. She bugged her eyes, held the flashing pen above her head, and whispered:
I’m a secret space cowboy.
LADIES NIGHT EXCERPTS
Lady 1: Tell them about what you got John for Christmas. I think this is funny.
Lady 2: What?
Lady 1: Jane and I went Christmas shopping and she bought lacy undies for herself as John’s Christmas present.
Lady 3: Sweet.
Lady 1: I think it’s cute.
Lady 3: What do they look like?
Lady 2: (Describes skimpies.) My starvation diet starts tomorrow.
Lady 4: Hence, the fat-free fudgecicles.
Lady 5: The fudgicles are fat free?
Lady 2: Yep.
Lady 5: Oh man! How could you do that to us?
Lady 2: They’re really good.
Lady 5: So close…yet so far. Well, I guess we could always dip them in frosting.
Lady 6: I think I’ve got some Magic Shell somewhere.
(Highlight of a short sanitary products discussion:)
Lady 1: Someone once said that removing a tampon is like pulling a dead, wet mouse out of a wine bottle by its tail.
Lady 1: Dead on though.
Lady 2: Yeah. Pretty much.
Scenario: Discussing the week’s events.
Lady 1: This week has been kind of tough. Jim has this really good girlfriend who he went to school with who’s visiting. She’s spent all this time working as a doctor in Ecuador…
Lady 2: …Threatening.
Lady 1: And all the guys are friends with her, and when they talk about her, it’s always in these awed tones like, “Oh, Abri this, Abri’s so cool.”
Lady 3: (Pulls in air through teeth)
Lady 1: And she is cool. I mean, she’s done all this amazing stuff.
Lady 3: Bitch.
Lady 2: Ha!
Lady 1: No, she’s really nice. Like, I’m thinking, OK. I’m going to try really hard to like her, because I know that my natural inclination is going to be to not like her, and that’s not fair. But she turned out to be really cool.
Lady 2: Which is even more threatening.
Lady 1: No, I like her. I mean it’s been a lot better than I expected.
Lady 3: You’re a better woman than I.
Scenario: One of the ladies is in a band and wants to run a song by us.
Lady 1: (Singing) I kinda wanna, I kinda wanna see you again./ I kinda wanna, I kinda wanna kiss you again.
All: Woo hoo.
Lady 1: (singing) I kinda wanna, I kinda wanna touch you again./ I wanna let you in!
Lady 2: Tsk! She’s talking about emotional availability, you guys. Geez.
Lady 1: (singing) I wanna taste your SKIIIN!
LADIES NIGHT: SEAMSTRESS ADVENTURES
Lady 1: What have you been up to with work?
Lady 2: I made a play suit for this guy.
Lady 1: A “play” suit?
Lady 2: That’s what he called it. It was basically a body suit with modifications.
Lady 3: What kind of modifications?
Lady 2: Well it took me awhile to figure out what he wanted, he wouldn’t just spit it out. He’s like, “Can you make it really fitted?” and I’m like, “Yeah.” And he’s like, “I mean, I want it to fit me really well everywhere.” And I’m like, “Kay…” And he says, “I want it to have three little pouches.” So I say, “You mean you basically want a ball sack?”
Lady 4: Three pouches?
Lady 2: That’s what I was thinking. I’m like (confused expression, counts on fingers). I was like, “This is gonna have to be a small, medium, large thing, because I’m not interested in getting that personal.”
Lady 5: What color was it?
Lady 2: Bright yellow.
Lady 6: YELLOW?
Lady 2: Yep.
Lady 6: What is that?
Lady 4: Chiquita fetish.
Lady 5: He’s got the fruit hat at home, and a set of castanets.
Lady 6: Come over here, mama’s big ba-nan-ah!
TOUCHED BY DAVE FOLEY
I went to the El Vez Boxing with God Tour on Friday, and Dave Foley introduced the band. About ten minutes later, I looked over and he was standing next to me. Dave Foley, Mr. David Foley, the-cute-one-from-Kid’s-In-The-Hall was standing right next to me.
Me: You are the funniest man alive. (ohmygod.davefoleystandsradientbeforemeinallhisapple-cheekedglory.) Extend my hand.
Dave Foley: Shakes my hand. Ha! Well, thank you.
Me: (iwillplowthornyfieldsinbarefeetfortwentyyearsifonlyyou’lltouchmyhandagain) You’re welcome. I’m Maggie.
Dave Foley: Nice, to meet you. I’m Dave.
Me: So I’ve heard. (takemehereandnow) Nice to meet you, too (youruggedcanadianbeast). Enjoy the show.
Dave Foley: Thanks.
(update: I’m not alone. Meena knows what it is to yearn for a cross-dressing Ralph Reed lookalike.)