I hate shoe shopping. I’m aware they can practically revoke your vagina for that, but it’s true. Anyway, though I don’t enjoy trying shoes on, I would like the following pairs of shoes to appear magically in my closet. For free, please:

Me: I took my shirt off in front of the neighbor.
Bryan: Explain that.
Me: I took my shirt off without realizing the shade was up, and there he was. I actually made eye contact with him. He got all flustered and looked away.
Bryan: Hot.
Me: No, I was wearing my indestructible white bra. I just dropped to my knees and crawled out of the room.
Bryan: Lame.
Me: I know.

Two small things that leave me feeling oddly ill-equipped for momhood:

1. Hank in mismatched socks.
2. Running out of toilet paper, putting a tissue box next to the toilet, then running out of tissues.

Over at Mighty Junior, Melissa is building a reference guide to the best gifts for kids of all ages. She started, of course, with the One Year Old Gift Guide. So if you have any tiny friends with birthdays coming up, you’ll know where to find the perfect gift. Including the least annoying bath toys I’ve seen.

Rae: Have you seen that photo of the guy with the tattoo of the cat’s butt hole where his belly button is?
Me: What? No! is that a real thing?
Rae: Oh yes. Yes it is.
Me: He didn’t give a fuck about tomorrow, man.
Rae: Yeah. He wasn’t really thinking about later that afternoon.

If you haven’t seen it yet, Anna Jane Grossman interviewed a bunch of bloggers, including me, for an article called “Your Blog Can Be Group Therapy.” Have a look.

Hello! I have three quick questions for you regarding which sites you’d most enjoy reading if I were to launch more sites. Would you like to help me decide? If so, thank you. That’s very nice of you, don’t you think?

Update: Whoa! That was fast. Thanks so much for your help, you helpful crew, I got all the responses the survey thing allows, re-upped for more, and then you filled the new quota too. For those of you feeling stifled, I’ll ask some more detailed questions in the coming weeks. What I found out, if you’re curious, is that you guys want it all, baby. Except men’s fashion. Seriously, fuck men’s fashion.

So Esquire’s list of 75 Skills Every Man Should Master has been everywhere lately. It’s a good read, and most of the stuff is applicable to both genders. Here’s my little list of seven things every woman should know how to do, because I lack the stamina to come up with seventy-five:

1. Entertain unexpected company. Invest in a cheeseboard, and then keep a big jar in your cupboard filled with bags of dried apricots and cranberries, almonds, hazelnuts, and a few bars of exceptional chocolate. All of it will keep for a while, if you can refrain from devouring everything while you watch an episode of Lost.

Now, in three minutes, you can dump out some fruit and nuts, chop up a chocolate bar, and arrange it all to maximum effect on the cheeseboard. If you have decent cheese in the fridge, it’s a bonus. Pow! You’re Martha Stewart.

2. Comfort someone in mourning. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” And then as much silence as you can muster.

3. Celebrate. Good stuff is happening all around you. Pour a glass of champagne, pass around a box of chocolate, and say something memorable.

4. Break up with a poisonous friend. I had this friend in junior high, and every time I told her I liked a boy, she suddenly became very attentive towards him. I was too young to realize what was going on at the time, but by high school, and the fourth or fifth crush she’d pinched, I caught on.

Most of us have a friend or acquaintance who always leaves us feeling just a little bit worse. Maybe your mortifying missteps become her favorite amusing anecdotes. Maybe she throws her arm around your boyfriend’s shoulders with suspicious frequency. Maybe she guilt-trips you into piling a few favors atop your already hectic schedule. Whoever she is, stop calling her. Tell her you’re busy — so very busy — until 2050 or so.

5. Give a good blowjob.

6. Dribble a basketball, throw a football, kick a soccer ball. This stuff comes up. If you can’t do anything athletic at all, you start to look like the kind of girl who spends too much time getting mani-pedis.

7. Apologize convincingly. I was wrong. I’m very sorry. It won’t happen again.

If that doesn’t work, you may need to genuflect.

Dear people conveying their dogs in strollers,

Stop it.

At first we thought you had a baby in there, as is often the case when people are pushing strollers through parks. But then, we noticed your baby was an extraordinarily active little thing. In fact, your baby seemed to be kicking and punching at the weird stroller enclosure, perhaps even throwing its tiny body against the mesh. My god! Do you need help?! What is wrong with your baby?

Oh. We see now. Your baby is, in fact, a Labrador Retriever. That’s rather disquieting. Perhaps it’s one of those dogs with some sort of unfortunate injury? The kind of sweet little dog that needs wheels on its hindquarters to walk? Well, that’s understandable then, I mean…

But wait. Your dog just jumped out of the stroller and began bounding around the park. He’s rather fat, but otherwise perfectly able bodied. So what the hell, nutter?

Are you unable to control your dog on the city streets with a mere leash, though you’re now allowing that same dog to gad about amongst small children? You’re aware that the phrase “he’s my baby,” when applied to animals, is meant as a joke? Or do you also plan to breast-feed?

In conclusion, let your dog run. That’s what dogs do. If you want to put something in a stroller, get an iguana.

Sincerely,
Margaret Mason

Mother’s Day is this Sunday! Fortunately, the Mother’s Day Gift Guide is up on Mighty Goods and Mighty Junior. Order something perfect today, so Mom won’t have to settle for a “gift-pack” of Toblerone from the corner convenience store on Sunday.